By: Zoe Crimmel

Time moves on but the feelings don't. In most cases, grief is a silent thing, something that happens inside, not out. But it has its moments when the outside gets little glimpses of the storm inside but even those for some people are silent. They walk around smiling while an endless storm of tears fills them inside. The smallest, most minuscule things can burst the self-control, the wall you create and keep up to keep going and the world feels like it stops. It's a pause where you don't feel like you can breathe or function and you don't want to, you want it to swallow you up. However, it passes, like every other storm, with a few breaths, a few seconds, and when it leaves you feel lighter for only a moment because you release a little bit of the inner tears, and you keep going. . . 

60 days later it still hits me, the loss of my mom. It hits me the most in moments when I want to call her for advice or to simply have a mother-daughter talk that we used to have for hours. It hits me sometimes when I get on the court and have a good practice and can't tell her about it or when I have a bad practice and can't ask her for advice. It hits me the most when someone asks me about her, or I have to tell someone about her. That's when the grief I feel I have gotten through catches up to me. Sometimes my handshake, sometimes my breath catches, and sometimes I want to run to my room and disappear and I know that all of these are ok. I know that if I miss a class or practice because I need to disappear no one would think twice about it but I also know that once I let it catch me completely it will consume me and I cannot afford that. Even till the end she was always making sure that we were going to be ok, and she made us promise that we would keep going. Letting my grief consume me is breaking that promise I made to her, so I keep going. Every accomplishment that I have found in the past 60 days has been both a little sweeter and a little more bitter because I did it despite everything. A couple of days ago I turned 20 which should be a big thing as I enter my third decade of life, but honestly, I wanted it to be over. My first birthday without my mom, made me realize that everything after August 13th, 2024 will be a first, without my mom. So when I find these firsts they weigh a little heavier on my chest. I also realized that every new person I meet from that day on will know me as me, not Petra's daughter or an extension of her because they will never get the chance to meet her. This was a hard pill to swallow. . . 

As I continue my blogging journey from this post forward I am committing to writing my weekly updates again. This break I have taken because of everything has shown me just how much this blog is a part of me. For almost 2 years I have been sharing my stories here with you all and it has brought me so much joy! It won't be the same as it used to be because that is impossible but I am going to start sharing my stories again. Not only will I be doing weekly updates I will also be continue writing about the planet, about sports, about emotions, and life as I slowly learn my way through it in this new chapter. I encourage all of you who read my blogs to reach out and tell me what you want to hear about, and what I might be missing because sometimes when I hit a block a bit of direction is a huge help! Thank you to everyone who has followed, encouraged, and supported me this entire journey and beyond. You all have truly made a difference in my life that I will forever be grateful for! 

Welcome back to Where in the World is Zoe and don't go too far because I am back for good and ready to tell my story once again!