On Saturday, February 1st my mother would have turned 52. The first is always the hardest because the absence is felt deeper. That was true on Saturday and as I sang Happy Birthday over the phone with my sister and dad I lost my mom all over again. I knew it would be a hard day for me so I made sure that I wasn't alone at all through the whole thing and I wasn't. My support team that day ranged all over the country with people texting and calling to make sure I was doing ok. I felt connected again through grief to everyone who loved my mother and it reminded me of the community I have behind me. Knowing that no matter what I have people behind me who will love me and support me and even help become mother figures to me has helped me so much these past couple months and even the months leading up to the passing of my mother. Thank you to everyone who is part of that community, your support means the world to me.
This past week has been full of school, tennis, and physical therapy. Classes have been plentiful and have started to ramp up in work which I was dreading but am now pushing through. It is hard to keep up sometimes with the amount of classes we miss because of matches but I am doing my best to meet with my teachers, go to tutoring, and always ask for help when I need it. In doing it I am also building up relationships with my teachers, some of which will be my main teachers till I graduate. I am enjoying the topics that these classes are focusing on and will hopefully write a couple of articles about them because they are really interesting and helpful, especially to environmental issues today. Tennis, my addiction and downfall. I still have not been cleared to start hitting but I have been keeping up with my fitness by doing on-court conditioning
a couple of times a week and then hitting lefty here and there with some of my teammates. Yesterday I was able to do just controlled swings with my racket to start working on the motion and seeing how my shoulder will feel with it and there was almost no pain. The first real sign that I might be recovering! Though I cannot hit, my body has been feeling strong and eager to get back into practicing, hitting, and properly training. But I also need to be patient to make sure I heal properly and don't have long-term effects on my shoulder and shoulder health because it is my money maker.
At just 20 years old I always tell people I feel older. Not just mentally but physically. Shoulder pain, hip pain, and everything in between but I just learned to live with it. Pain became somewhat of a friend to me and though it sounds bad it has made me so much stronger. Waking up in pain but choosing to go through my day as if nothing was wrong has taught me to persevere through so much, but in that drive, I also have lost some of my sense of self-preservation. When there is a constant go, go, go you lose the sense to stop. Now I feel I need to be going 24/7 and that any breaks I need to take are wastes of time until I crash. At a certain point I completely overload and then comes the brain fog, the body aches, and anxiety. I have learned is when I go too far and need to step back and with some help, I have been learning to rest. It is a struggle to fight your mind in any way especially when it comes to telling yourself that you have done enough and you are allowed to rest. That is a conversation I need to have every day and one I will continue to have to stay healthy!
コメント