"Love the giver more than the gift"
Brigham Young
By: Zoe Crimmel
So as I go through another first holiday without my mother I am faced with a new weight once again. Being back home for the longest period since my mother passed I have seen how much being a "motherless daughter" is going to mark me. As I walk around town no matter who I have run into it is the constant, same thing. "I am so sorry for your loss," "I know the first holidays are always the hardest," "We are thinking about you all" and it gets to the point that I can almost predict what someone is going to say and I have all the responses in my head already prepared. The hardest part for me to remember is that everyone who says these "generic" things only does it because they don't know what else to say. Grief is such a fine line on a tall fence and you never know how unbalanced someone might be on it. So we instinctually go for the vague "generic" statements because they are "safe."
This week I officially started slowly getting into PT with some basic stretches and things to keep my shoulder moving to maintain my mobility and strength while we let the rotator cuff heal. The hardest part for me with injuries like this one and even my surgery 2+ years ago is finding another way to release my emotions. Tennis for me is an outlet that is always there because I could always drive to the court with my rackets and get lost in my swing and it helped me escape all the weight I sometimes feel myself getting crushed under. But just like my hip injury, I know that to get back to tennis I need to step away which means finding a different escape. After weeks of not knowing what to do with my shoulder and babying it while watching it get weaker and weaker finally being given some direction for recovery has helped me so much with this process. I have been going to the gym nearly every day making sure the rest of my body stays in shape so I am not playing catch up with everything.
As we continue our firsts without Mom, Christmas is the next on the list and already we feel the absence. The house is quieter, the energy isn't as high, and when I am here at home where all the memories are the grief gets heavier. I have learned so far that it is easier to grieve where there are no memories and for me that is school. When I am home I see her in every corner, every chair every photo, and every moment because the house was hers as much as it was mine. The holiday cheer that we all shared, that she will no longer be a part of, that is different now without her but we try our best to keep it the same. The weight becomes a little heavier and I don't say this to make anyone sad, I promised to be open and honest with this blog and my journey through this world. As I continue to repeat grief is mysterious and different for every single person, this is my journey. I have always wanted to be an inspiration, even if it was to a single person because my life like everyone else's was not sunshine and rainbows. It was far from perfect and some of it I don't even remember because my mind is protecting me but I know that I would not change any of it because it would jeopardize the woman I am now. Our life stories are created in our moments of weakness and when we get pushed down because the success stories never start with a victory but the path to victory. So as I continue my firsts without mom I know they will be emotional and most likely ugly but we will get through them and be able to tell the story and hopefully laugh about it one day. The first Christmas without Mom, what a day.
As you all have your celebrations for all the upcoming holidays make sure to take a second to toast those who will always have an invisible seat at your table. The ones who may have paved the way, built the families, both given and chosen, and created the lives we get to live. Toast those who no longer are visible to us but will forever be felt. Toast those who will never be forgotten because of the impacts they made in our lives and the touch they had on our souls. Toast the ones who are at your table, who have a saved seat at the table even if they are on the other side of the world. The family is both given and chosen. The ones who have made an impact on our lives and take the toasts that are given to you. Life is too precious to live without love for all those around us both visible and invisible. Spread the love this season because god knows the world needs more of that this holiday season!
Merry Christmas!!!!!