"Your expectation is only as good as my last update."
As I grow into a young adult I am slowly learning the importance of communication in real-life situations. Relationships can wither or grow, businesses can crumple or thrive and governments can topple or conquer solely based on the communication between the people involved and it isn't emphasized enough. Between developing new relationships, protecting old friendships, navigating college, and working with people in multiple fields I have been learning to expand my knowledge in communication but also how being able to differ between communication styles makes all of these relationships stronger. There is a difference between talking to a friend versus talking to a teacher or a colleague. There is a difference between talking to someone the first time and the 100th time. There is a difference between talking to someone who needs to only know parts of you that you chose and someone who can know multiple parts with the freedom to wander between them.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is say "Hello" first and be the hand to reach out first. When walking around people we don't know, there tends to be a lot of tiptoeing. "Do I say hi? Maybe wave? Look down, look them in the eye?" Once the questioning starts the brain doesn't have enough time to choose before the person walks away and the moment has passed so the habit turns into looking at our phone with our heads down and communication turned off. Once you put the phone down, lift your chin, and say hello then habits change. When you start doing that everything else that comes after tends to be way easier. Just walking into a room and saying hi to anyone you see creates a relationship and opens up paths for communication. If it is a room you want to be a part of it will get you noticed and recognised. In my classes, I make it a staple to walk in, say "Good morning/ afternoon" and then "Thank you" when I leave, and address my teachers when I do so to create that clear connection between us. This means the teacher knows me and therefore interacts with me in a way that my fellow peers who don't make themselves known don't experience. It is a simple thing that once you cross the line of fear or a sense of embarrassment, that people feel when they need to be the first to reach out, becomes a habit and a part of your life that opens up the world to you and your imagination.
To be the one to say "Sorry" first in a situation is always the hardest. Friendships can end in seconds if both sides decide to be quiet. The hardest thing to do is reach out when you don't want to talk and say sorry for the silence. It's sometimes getting past ego, pain, or even just embarrassment but it is the choice to move a ball forward to see how it is going to roll. We tend to assume the worst in a situation when it comes to communication and therefore choose to stay silent to protect ourselves and the ball never moves. Forward to change or backward to hurt us. I have seen firsthand how silence can hurt just as much as words and very often cause more damage than words because imagination runs wild when it isn't guided by communication. There have been situations when I have chosen to stay silent and walked away but also times when the cost of losing someone is way worse than making myself seem weak by saying sorry first. When you no longer fear looking weak in front of others by communicating and saying sorry first, you gain more strength than ever. By saying sorry you are building a new foundation on the bridge between two people that may have been faltering while silence allows the bridge to continue eroding brick by brick.
With midterms finished it gives me a chance to breathe from school for a second. However, life is still flying by and there is still a lot of work to do. I recently have felt myself getting very emotionally tired. It wasn't till I walked to the team van to head to one of our matches the other day and my coaches said "Zoe you look tired" that I realized it, and it was not a quiet realization. I looked at both of my coaches and simply told them I was stressed and when they gave me another remark "Don't be so stressed everything is FINE." I didn't think before I spoke and just said the first thing that bolted to my head, "It's hard to do that when you take the responsibilities of your dead parent." It hit me like a wall right in the face. I had lost the stress that taking care of a sick parent brings but I adopted the stress of trying to fill a hole that is left behind. It shook me to fully absorb that feeling and realize that it was true. I was trying to walk in my mother's shoes without first filling mine which are still quite empty. My life stood still when mom got diagnosed with cancer, like a breath of air stuck in my chest. I kept going because she was constantly making sure I did like a little bee fluttering around nagging and stinging to keep you moving. When she died that breath of air once again got stuck but this time there wasn't a bee nagging me, biting and stigging but a silent promise, one made on a death bed, to not stop.
Next week I have my next doctor's appointment to tell me the progress but from here I will tell you it has been slow. I feel stronger, and more flexible, like my shoulder is moving well. But, the pain still sits in it, on it like a weight. Never changing but never attacking just squeezing on it harder reminding me that it's still very present. So now as I count down the days with anxiety to the appointment waiting for, I don't even know what, but something.
A little tennis team update!
The team beat Bethune Cookman this past weekend which put us up 1-0 in our conference matches but then unfortunately lost to Florida A&M which was close and I was so proud of how the girls played making us 1-1. Now on Monday both teams played Prarie View and the boys were able to pull through a win but the girls unfortunately lost 2-4 which was closer than last year but not enough to pull through. It was a battle and one well fought but not meant to be and puts us at 1-2 in conference matches. So fingers crossed and prayers prayed for the rest of the season for the Lady Braves!
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