"Life is made up of small moments that make big impacts." -Zoe.
I have been very open about my grief because I felt it would help me explore it too, and it has. But I think have leaned into it too much these past months. Writing has always been a way to express myself because I never liked taking photos or videos of myself for social media, I wasn't a big talker and I didn't like to say what was on my mind face to face because I never felt secure enough with myself to say what I needed to say. As I learned to be more confident in my body, with my voice, and with my soul I noticed that writing isn't enough anymore. When I started Where in the World is Zoe it was to tell people basically, where in the world I was. But for the past almost 2 years I have been in one spot, college, and because of that I have lost some of my audience that I had, but have grown more with those of you who have stayed. My goal this new year was to start writing more about the climate and issues that the world is facing regarding changes in the climate. But I also want to keep my almost weekly updates and stories that I find myself lost in while I write. So I only ask everyone to bear with me while I reschedule my time to accommodate both goals regarding this blog!
Lately, I have noticed how easy it is to forget a face, a smile, a hug, and a heart. It has been 190 days since I lost my mom and I feel every single one but I have noticed that slowly I lose the feeling of her. Her hug, the kisses she would give me on my forehead, and everything in between. But I found the one place where I felt her no matter what, the tennis court. The other day I was running around doing conditioning on the court, not hitting yet, and when it was time to leave I felt myself stutter to walk out the door. I believe that there is muscle memory to people and no matter where I was I felt closest to my mom on the court. When I was overseas, when she was away for therapy I always found myself going to the court to feel her. Ask any of my teammates this one question, how much bigger does Zoe's smile get when she steps on a tennis court with a racket in her hand? Even though I can't play I still go to practice and even though I can't hit with my right hand, I hit lefty, I bounce the ball on the ground, I
walk around, I run around, I help give pointers and I'm just there. I don't know where else to be. My shoulder is still hurt, and still hurts but slowly it is getting stronger and now I am working to see if maybe this pain is more mental than physical. I started reading a book called Healing Back Pain by John E. Sarno which talks about the emotional effects on the body and how they can be debilitating if not found and cared for. So like I did years ago I have decided to start once again acknowledging my emotional health instead of keeping it in the back of my mind hidden. I encourage any one of you who has felt a pain that didn't seem to go away despite the Advil and Tylenol. Any pain that the doctors couldn't quite figure out. Go read this book and learn more about Tension Myositis Syndrom (TMS) and you might be able to help yourself out by taking care of your emotions a little bit better. I will be sharing my journey with this book and if you want to share yours feel free to reach out to me!
Now for the tennis part of my weekly post. "There is no I in the team." A phrase everyone in sports hears all too often and dismisses too often, yet the most honest one ever. When winning is reliant on everyone who steps on the court, the team is the most important thing. Unfortunately, our team has lost that mentality and the hardest part is watching it from the sidelines not knowing why it is happening. We also had two more girls get injured in the past two matches so the coach decided to cancel the next two weeks of matches to allow some time for everyone to heal. I am hoping that this time we can come together again as a team and come back stronger in time for our first conference match. Wish the Braves some luck!
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