"If you fell yesterday, stand up today." - H.G. Wells.
168 days of being a motherless daughter and I feel that cave in my chest every day. The funny thing about grief is that it morphs, and changes almost like water, to fit any container it is given and to shadow you through your days. The hardest part now is not connecting with my mom through tennis like I did last semester. With the injury that I have the best thing I can do for my shoulder is rest, rest, and more rest and honestly I am going crazy. After my second round of PRP, I was not allowed to do anything while it worked its magic, and I was a good girl and stayed put but that was easy because I got stuck at home in California. What was supposed to be a quick trip home turned into quite an adventure. The weather down in the south was so bad the airport in Jackson closed which meant that I was stuck in California until I found another way. I flew to Birmingham Alabama where a friend picked me up and got me to my car in Jackson. It is such a huge help to know people all over the states and the world and it proved true in a situation like this. When I got back to school the adventure didn't stop there I spent one day on campus before I was on the road with the team to Beaumont Texas to play a doubleheader against Lamar. No, I did not play but I took enough steps to look like I did. I may not be able to support my team on the court but I did the next best thing and supported them with everything else. I was the water girl, ball girl, stringer, athletic trainer, spare assistant coach, and everything in between. This not only wore me out so I felt tired but also made me feel that I wasn't letting my team down by not being able to play. It was, however, really hard to watch them play without being able to do the same. That was one of my biggest fears when I got injured, watching everyone else doing what I love and not being able to do the same.
Being an athlete we learn to live with our sport, making it our entire identity. We, however,
are very rarely taught how to live without our sports. I remember when I had my hip surgery there was a definite struggle mentally to keep reminding myself that I could come back and do it again, play again, compete again but that was before I started playing like I do now. That was before I saw what I could accomplish in tennis, and who I could work to be. But now that I tasted it stopping is even harder. I had a taste of what I can do and to walk away now feels like I am being ripped away from my identity. It is also harder to do it without my mom. . . Tennis was the thing that brought us together, the connection with a little string that went from her heart to mine, and though she is gone I still feel that little string every time I step on the court, and when I found that connection I was always on the court. It isn't that I can't go to the court to be there it's that I am afraid that the string will pull me too hard and cause me to injure myself worse because the urge to play will be too strong. Learning how to go from an athlete to a spectator is one of the hardest reality checks and lessons for a high-level athlete to learn but also the most important because it is the rest of your life.
This week's matches were a doubleheader against Lamar on Saturday, both well-played matches but both were losses. Then on Monday doubleheader against Texas A&M Corpus Christi which again were both very good matches on both the guys and the girl's sides but also both sad losses. Today two more schools were played but I wasn't able to travel with the team due to physical therapy that I had to stay to do. One thing in college tennis that I seem to always forget is that traveling is always a pain and the schedule can be insane sometimes. The drive to Texas was long and after 4 matches in 3 days, the drive back was even worse. We did take a break on Sunday which was good for the team and gave them some time to rest. But we got back to school late last night and then they had to get back on the van bright and early again to head out. That is the life of a student athlete and one that we all chose and one that we all need to complete now that we have started!
Till next time. . .
Thank you for reading . . .
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