By: Zoe Crimmel
As I continue my journey with grief I am reminded daily that healing, from anything, is never linear. Not only do you get hit in emotional waves throughout a day or a week according to your physical well-being, but it can also be a memory that gets pushed to the top by several things. When my mother passed away I took down the wallpaper I had which was rotating with pictures of everyone I loved including her. It wasn't till a couple of weeks ago that I put it back up because I needed to see her, and it never hit me. On Friday however, that changed. I had looked at this picture of her and me hugging so many times since she died with no emotion, then all of a sudden it just punched me in the gut, in the heart. I will never get to hug her like that again. Everything that I was doing, school and writing just disappeared and I felt my chest compress, my heart scream, and my breathing took a hitch. I was in my room but I knew that it wasn't a place where I was going to release what was coming so properly I walked outside. I spent too long pushing emotions like what I had the other day down and compressed them into a bottle. Slowly with a lot of work and time I learned that when a wave hits, even with the force of a tsunami, you cannot push it back because then it builds up with the next one and the next and the next till eventually an explosive wave of emotions runs right through you. After I cried what I could out and released what was on the tip I knew that to get through it I needed my village around me so I decided to go to the cafeteria and let them help me, and they did, but not in the way you would expect. When we see someone cry our first reaction is to make them happy. We don't think about why they are crying or whether or not the tears that we are seeing may be a good thing.Crying, if controlled, is not always a bad thing. This is exactly what I have told my girls, if I don't ask you to get me out and away from the crying, let me cry. This is exactly what they did when I walked in, asked if I was ok, and then continued and be the grounding presence around me that I needed to get through the panic. Now when I am alone my suitemate does come check on me and make sure I am ok and that is when I completely get through it. Grief cannot be faced alone else it can be consumed. Personal grief is important but it is also important for someone to be able to pull you above the water when your head stays under for too long.
I love how I am supposed to have a weekly update but it turns out to be a single moment with a big lesson that consumes it. Over time I have learned that we tend to remember the bad over the good and even though we had an amazing day if we end it on a low moment it'll turn into a bad day in our heads.
Now the rest of the week was good, filled with physical therapy in preparation for season next semester, homework, and a football game on Saturday which was fun. All of these moments are creating memories that I hope I never forget because compared to last semester these are ones that I always want to keep. Slowly this semester is coming to a close and though I am excited to go home for a bit of a break and be with everyone for the holidays I am also realizing how fast time has flown since I came to school and how soon it is going to end. When I catch myself with worries of losing time I have to remind myself to come back to the present because as someone once said, "stress is proof that you have lost the present moment" and that is something that I do not want to do.
Before I say goodbye till next week, I wanted to tell everyone thank you for all the comments. Whether it's through the blog or my email whereintheworldiszoe@gmail.com they mean the world to me. It truly takes a village to live a life and the one I have found myself surrounded by has helped me so much throughout this journey. It is truly the inspiration to keep writing and telling my story. As Thanksgiving sneaks up on us with a not-so-slow creep I want to get ahead of it and tell you all that I am truly so thankful for each and every one of you!
Till next time, Zoe out.
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