What is up with me . . .
Finding joy in something like a sport is tough, especially one like tennis because every day you wake up, you train and you feel like you make progress but when the tournament starts only one person is gonna walk away as the winner. Now everyone's successes are different and for someone winning one round is incredible while another the only acceptable option is winning the whole thing. But as Adam Sandler said in his movie The Hustle, "Obsession is going to beat talent every single time. . . " Walking onto the court and wanting to win every single point not because you can but because you don't understand how to live without it is the difference between someone who is "decent" and someone who goes big. Being able to run for every ball no matter what may be in pain or how much your body screams at you not to is the difference between a player who makes it to 500 in the world and the top 100. Obsession with winning, holding trophies, and success are what make the difference between an amateur because an amateur will walk away from a loss and try to find a reason other than themselves as to why they didn't win while a professional will walk away from anything but success knowing that if they wanted to they would have. Obsession isn't simply not being able to live without something, not in the sports world, it is working every bone, muscle, and tendon to the very ends of their abilities without thinking of any consequences. All they think is how to succeed, to win, and to conquer.
This week I played the biggest tournament of my life. I played on center court against a good girl and I walked on the court with my head held high and walked off with tears in my eyes. All these days that I had to prepare I treated like normal days, slacked in practices, wasn't focused, and lost my grip. I knew that "you practice how you play" but I thought to myself that maybe this is just a little phase that I need to get out of my system, but it wasn't. When I played my singles match I had what felt like an anxiety attack the entire first set and felt my lungs being completely constricted. Getting a deep breath was tough and everything else tumbled. I was pissed and by the end of the first set was already in tears, while in the second set, I fought but still couldn't get a grip on myself and by the end of it all I was a mess. When I walked off the court I wasn't only mad at my performance on the court because I was overwhelmed but my performance that I dismissed in all the days leading to this match. Being an athlete requires effort every day and obsession 24/7. This I shrugged off my shoulder and like always does it showed me how wrong I was.
I was able to recover for doubles and my partner and I played a good match but as we are both still new to the professional world we could have done better. Our game is like a rollercoaster, we start high and drop and rise and drop and rise and drop and rise and I could continue this pattern but I think you get it. I am behind on hours and hours and years of experience both in singles and doubles and the fact that I can get a couple of games off of these girls is incredible but something that I don't see.
It was also really fun to have ball kids. Learning to be patient and have other people on the court was something that made this experience a little more stressful but also so much more fun. After my doubles, I was surrounded by little kids wanting photos and hugs. It was so much fun to give these kids something that I always wanted when I would go to tournaments. Photos and hugs and honestly just a moment with a professional. To see their faces light up when I would acknowledge them and respond when they asked for a hug or a photo made everything that I have given this past year so much more meaning, it truly is a moment that I don't think I can ever forget and one that will help me strive to get better and have the opportunity to play these level tournaments again.
Thank you so much T-Line for the past 3+ months I have been in Kursumljiska Banja and for all the memories, friendships, and experiences that I have gained with my time here. I am sad to go but so excited to come back next year ready to put some wins on the board!
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